he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
