You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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