On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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