so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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