If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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