You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
