can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I looked at my own cervix.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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