Who did Billy Mays play for?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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