She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
