I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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