Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
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