I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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