Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
