Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Randomize
