You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
