I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
