When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
