drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
