either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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