I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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