I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
