i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
