is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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