I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
