and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
