There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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