I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
