She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
how drunk are you?
Several
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
