I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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