he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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