I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
