just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
