Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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