I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I CAN MOONWALK!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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