On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
