he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
