she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
