If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
