I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
