You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
this is an emotional support booty call
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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