we're making bets on your personal life
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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