yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My ATM looks so different sober.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
