I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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