This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
