The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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