yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
