I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
