I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
