she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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