I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I skipped work to stalk him.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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